One of the most profound sermons I have heard at Mars Hill was about how sadness, exile and sorrow were not the whole story.

God is on our side.

Tonight at 56 (the fifth and sixth ministry I volunteer with at Mars) we talked about how God was faithful to Abraham in rescuing him from the decision of sacrificing his only son Isaac.

It sort of feels like I’m at a point like where Abraham was; just on the verge of something huge and awfully scary and awfully painful.

But the scary, painful parts are not the whole story. The whole point of being in exile is you are searching for freedom, searching for that way out. This is how the night must end.

There’s something about sadness
that leaves us wanting more,
A sickness that breathes…
From holding on to letting go,
The change is like dying.

There’s nothing like exile to wake you up to all the crazy things God does in our lives.

I’ve had a really awful week. The details may not matter so much but in short, my heart was broken. I was sad and there’s just no way to fix that. Sadness tells us that there’s something else, or something is missing from the equation of our being. I think that what we do with the sadness that either makes or breaks the rest of our lives, essentially.

Even after both my parents had been diagnosed with cancer, people would always tell me that each day things will get a little better. I don’t think I really had any idea about how small “little” is. That’s the thing with sadness and illnesses like cancer, each day a snail-step is made in the direction of “Better”, but it may not be until you’ve already reached the other side that you take notice of how far you’ve made it because in one day you feel like you’ve never moved.
Teach me to create
A beautiful past
That makes you proud,
That makes you proud.

Teach me what I need to know
To be strong enough to let go…

Life happens. Bad things will never stop happening to us because of the Fall, and good things will never stop happening to those we think don’t deserve it. But God has another good work in store for us and it’s up to us to look over our past and see the beauty. Small moments, big moments, unexpected moments. When we come to appreciate those things in our past, God is able to kick it into high gear and really get the party started.

***lyrics from Night Must End, Sleeping at Last “Ghosts”

to some hope may be unrealistic and silly to believe in as no one knows if that thing you are hoping for, will actually materialize.

to some hope may not be worth believing in because of past crushing realities.

to others, hope may be the thing that keeps them believing, keeps them living, keeps them loving.

To me, hope is complicated. Hoping for something means you are making a gamble. This thing you are hoping for may not work out or may work out in the best of ways. So parts of me want to dive into hoping for something, to have no reservations because maybe if I hope hard enough, it will happen. Or maybe, the situation is just all around bad news, so hoping makes it feel like it’s not all meant to be bad and something good can come out of it. There’s a term in psychology called “cognitive dissonance” and basically what it means is that humans generally like to feel good (as in happy or not sad/angry/frustrated) so in order to rid our minds of negative thoughts/emotions, we either do something good (beneficial, etc) or go into denial.

This is maybe why hope is so hard to believe in.

Maybe deep down we know that to believe in something so huge and miraculous is just ridiculous and a waste of time and energy but it just is easier to put on a mask, making others (or even just ourselves) believe that we believe in hope.

But I think the opposite is true. It’s easy to “fake out” others, we’re really good at it actually. So why go through the trouble and pain of admitting something to be useless to believe in and be disappointed?

Hope is a reminder.

Hope is a reminder to Christians that we don’t have to worry. We can place our hope and trust that the Lord knows what he’s doing, he “knows the plans that he has for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us.” This is something to rejoice in!

Hope may still disappoint you, not everything we want to happen, will happen. But I believe that the risk is worth it, hoping for something does not put you in denial, it puts you in perspective.

In one of my previous posts I wrote a story, which really broke down my life up until that point but Donald Miller takes the idea of “story” to a whole new level. He challenges readers to look at themselves as characters and God as the Writer. It’s no secret that humans like to have control and we use all kinds of ways to put our lives into manageable little bits and pieces to make it easier to control (different colors used in your planner for different things, to-do lists, Aderol). But Don would argue that this is not the best story to live. There’s a good chance Eden will not be restored with correct use of planners and PDAs.

In this book, Don explains how challenges he decided to take part in drastically altered his story and how if he had chosen not to take part in these challenges, he would have been so totally different. He was a couch potato before and felt like he was living for nothing but the next episode of NCIS. He biked across the country and felt like he was living for something greater than himself, like his neighbor and being a part of the bettering of the world.

Now this could be just the ENFP personality in me but I can see a huge difference in my attitude and overall well-being when there’s action and activity going on in my life and when I’ve been doing the same thing everyday for a few weeks. When I sense monotony, I get restless (and sometimes stupid) and want to do something reckless (hense, the something stupid) otherwise I fear my sanity will be  Khattam-shud (name that book!). But I don’t want this feeling of needing action to be just an act of desperation but more of a consistent attitude. Sometimes I feel like there’s something missing if some catastrophe isn’t  happening in my life and I hate that for two reasons; 1. it makes me paranoid 2. it’s much nicer to be proactive about your inciting incident rather than waiting for it to slap you in the face (although sometimes it’s unavoidable).

Something else I pulled from this book was Don’s interview with Susan Isaacs (author of “Angry Conversations with God”, another book you should go out and read). She stated in regards to her husband and her marriage “she had married a guy, and he was just a guy. He wasn’t going to make all her problems go away, because he was just a guy. And that freed her to really love him as a guy, not as an ultimate problem solver.” This resonated so much with me because I confess that alot of times I put that pressure on my boyfriend and that’s definitely not fair and I know that a lot of the reasons I love him is because he’s not perfect.

I could go on for days about what I’ve taken from this book but to spare you all, I’ll save that for another day.

I can finally post something and have time to think and read and write and make art whenever I feel like it. What an amazing feeling!

Tonight, as I was purging through my old Facebook messages, I began to feel very overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by people who stepped up and showed up at the perfect moment. Christ shone through each and every one of those people.

I forget how blessed I am by friends and family who love me and care about me, thanks to each and every one of you

I’m making homemade bread, be jealous.

What if God were taking all of my life– the glorious and the gutless, the griefs and gains– and piecing each bit together like a collage so that when finished, something extraordinary would emerge?

~ Leeana Tankersley, Found Art.

God’s mercies are new everyday

there is nothing we can do that will ever prevent Him from giving second, third, fourth, and immeasurable amounts of second chances.

My heart is joyful for the love of Christ that fills it and my heart breaks for the pain I have caused Him and others in my sinful nature.

Be at rest once more, O, my soul for the Lord has been good to you. ~Psalm 116

I don’t know what it is about Elton John but it just makes me feel better.

I really don’t feel like being “woe-is-me” in this post…..just want to name the elephant in the room

cancer sucks and I’m really sick of dealing with it. I want my parents to be better and things to be like they used to be.

there, I said it. I hate pretending like I never think about this stuff, because trust me I do. It helps just to say it and then forget about it instead of just denying the fact that you are feeling something because if you try to do that, I can almost guarantee that you won’t be able to stop thinking about it.

“is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church and let them pray over him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up.” James 5: 13-15a

No prayer is too big for God.

RECAP: Today I woke up, went to class, ate lunch, went to work, did homework, worked on ceramics project, brushed teeth and went to bed.

Raise your hand if this generally sounds like your own schedule. I would argue that there’s a lot of us Calvin students who go through these motions pretty much every day of the semester (unless you’re a returning student or seminary student and your schedule usually calls for a heavy dose of home, kids and family time). But what if I told you that were hundreds of opportunities for us to break up the monotony of our schedules and gain job experience all at the same time? Well, believe it because these opportunities are just around the corner (literally). Volunteering around Grand Rapids is something that I am very passionate about and it’s something that I believe everyone should take the time to do. Our community is one that embraces volunteers and speaking from experience, they do an excellent job of putting us to work and making us feel right at home in their organization. Not only is volunteering great for the community but it is also great for figuring out what it is you would like to do with your life (aka your major). When I was unsure about what it is I loved to do and what I was good at, I sought out organizations that I thought would be cool to work with and in my time at those places, I figured out what I love to do and what I really don’t love to do. I would advise any incoming and current freshman and sophomore students who are not quite sure what to major in, to find a place that sparks their interest and spend some time volunteering there. If searching for such a place seems daunting and time-consuming, you need look no further than Commons Annex for the Service-Learning center who is equipped with the tools and services to hook you up with an organization. I believe it’s important to not only talk and discuss problems you see in Grand Rapids or in your hometown but also to take action, or, “walk the walk.” It may surprise some of you (it sure did me) that not everyone living around you is Christian and working with people who share opposing views to your own are perhaps some of the people who will help shape what your faith looks like. We’ve heard it time and time again that we at Calvin and as Christians are to “Engage God’s World” and volunteering is a great way to do sucha thing. People may ask you why you are taking time out of your busy, college student schedule to stuff envelopes or play with dogs and as it has been said in the past; “well maybe it’s what Jesus would do.” So, maybe it’s time you got out there; working to better your community, whether it be here in Grand Rapids or anywhere around the world, don’t you think?

*Disclaimer: Do not come hunt me down if the volunteering you participate in turns out to be a total disaster! I am not guaranteeing that the organization or project you decide to work with will be something you’re really excited about or the most fun thing you have ever done but I can tell you that even those “bad eggs” will be useful in weeding out areas of study!

At church today we celebrated the Eucharist and what I found to be really uplifting and challenging is when Rob said that sometimes things are too heavy, painful, confusing and frustrating for us to handle so that’s when we have the space to come to the cross in humility and say “here, I’m sorry I’ve been so stubborn and disobedient, this should have been yours long ago but I’m here now giving this to you because it’s too much for my weak heart to handle.”

And God’s grace is such an awesome thing that He will actually take us and our problems and situations and hold them close, where things have a less likelihood to get out of control.

Cancer is something that I don’t understand, it’s painful, frustrating and really heavy. I felt so much lighter praying and saying “God, I don’t understand why this is happening to my family or what you’re trying to tell us. But I pray that you give me patience and strength enough to say ‘here, I can’t handle this’”

Sitting, crying not knowing what to say or do. But this time, it’s not with my mom but with my dad.

First thing that pops into my head is “Seriously?”

A heart sinking moment where I thought God was done bringing all these things to me and I was beginning to pick the pieces up again only to now find that they had been knocked out of my hands once more.

But the funny thing is that, I feel much differently now than with my mom. I feel hopeful…and not helpless. I see how God has worked through and in my mom and how he is continuing to work in and through me…..but in a situation that I would not wish on my worst enemy.

A dual cancer family? I never could have imagined this in my wildest dreams.

With this diagnosis, I have also decided to go back to counseling. I have hyper-active thinking skills and I refuse to think myself into the place that I once was (besides, I gave up anxiety for Lent and hopefully forever). I feel good about that decision and making it before things get worse and while they’re still okay.

I think I may be more of a wreck tomorrow…thanks to be to God that I have a full day that I can sort of forget about what’s happening, but I’m praying that it doesn’t hit me like a brick when I’m not doing much of anything.

My parents have cancer and my God can heal them.

-Shauna Niequist “Cold Tangerines”

My mom had a test done three weeks ago and the results from that test were nothing short of shocking. They were positive.

But this positive meant negative things.

I hate when that happens, it’s like a cruel oxymoron that no one laughs at.

The results of this test said that there is an 87% chance that she’s going to get Breast Cancer if preventive measures aren’t taken; namely, more removing.

No, she doesn’t have the cancer now…but there’s an 87% chance she will later. What kind of a number is 87%? I’m surprised there wasn’t a .5 after that 87…

So another surgery next fall awaits us. But the real kicker to these test results is that they involve me and my sisters, because it’s all about genes and believe it or not, we have them, from my mom. That’s the thing with cancer, it doesn’t just screw with one person but it continues through generations infecting people left and right and I hate it for that.

It’s scary thinking that one day, I may have to go through all this and there are so many “what if”s milling about my brain that I can’t seem to get a hold of them and then I end of thinking about what my funeral would be like and that’s BAD.

I can’t go that far, those are not God’s words, those are the words of the Betrayer looking to freak me out and drive down the road to despair….Well I’m bypassing that road and taking the High road. (hahaha, good one.)

I’m taking the High road because there’s so much more to life than looking at all the things that could possibly go wrong, or being paranoid about this thing and that thing. If we’re constantly thinking and analyzing all the stuff that could mess us up than what kind of life are we living? Not a very good one, I’d say.

So while this season of life is throwing me for a loop and causing me to sigh and cry and think too much…I’m going to have the attitude of okay-ness. It sure doesn’t feel okay now, I wish all this bad stuff would stop bothering me and all the people I love and let us have some peace for a few months. I’m angry that God sees us trudging through this and yet it continues to happen while we cry out to him.

But hope is no where near lost. God brought my family through this once and he’ll do it again and if it’s anything like this time, we’ll be tiny bits better than before.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind. Lean not on your own understanding and in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.”

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